a friend right now......i feel alone.....

so we finally moved out of that god awful dreadful place! we are in our own apartment and its cute! tiny but it suits us well.....one bedroom all we need! could use a little more storage space but hey what can you do.....anyways! so hopefully things will get better...although im really bored right now and dont knwo what to do! alli knwo is this was the worst waste of a day off ive ever had and i rather be at work righ tnow making money than sitting here doing nothing!

so i finally got a new cell phone! yay! i got rid of our nextel! because they blow ginormous ass! they told me last month after i paid my bill that i was at a zero balance and didnt owe anything until this month! so then our phones get turned off and they tell me i owe them a previous balance of 160!!!!! and when i toldthem what happened they did nothing for me and would not fix the mistake that they made! so screw them and there stupid service and i got rid of them and got Verizon! so far so good but i am not holding my breath because it seems that all cell phone services arent really that great!!! anyways...so i got the Envy and im in love with it!!!!


tomorrow we are heading to six flags and i cant wait! i wish tonight would get over so it would just come! we are going with my best friend who i havent seen in months and i miss her so much! i cant wait to see her!


im super tired and im getting bitchy cuz im so tired but i have to wait for him to finish his truck before we can go home! i dont know if i will make it! i am annoying him hence the reason i came into the office so i wouldnt annoy me or him anymore! no need for any drama llamas right now!!! i dont want to be bitch and i dont mean it im just tired and sick and tired of having everyone else blame there problems on us when they have nothing to do with us and my sister in law to stop hitting us up for money every week when we paid our rent for the month and now is bitching and sayign we never give her any money! whatever! i cant wait till we leave that house i am so tired of that shit! we give her money every fucking week even after we have paid our rent! its ridiculous! if you know ur husband isnt getting a paycheck this week then save some money and not blow it on stupid shit like stupid high school musical parties for ur kids because the new movie comes out and u want to buy them everything high school musical has put there stupid face on! yup but its all our damn fault! ugh ok im done now! so im gonna go and be grumpy.......bye now!



ps i know it seems like im always bitching and whiny and complaining or grumpy on here but this is why i started this blog...for when i am frustrated and need to vent and just blab on and on about whatever is frustrating me and get it out so i dont explode and really freak out! so i am sorry if you all are kind of tired of hearing it but this is just what i need to do and its very theraputic in a way! i really am a happy person and love tolaugh and have fun and i am generally in a good mood.....i just tend not to show it when its on my blog,....because this is my vent outlet! so yay thats all i have to say about that...if anyone was curious or wantedto know or if anyone could care at all lololol so bye again!

i am completely exhausted! i hate working at 6am...now i am happy to be working and making a paycheck! its not that but its just not ideal! i am really making shit money and doing a shit job! i hate coming home reaking of dunkin donuts and coffee and i hate having to work at 6am when my freakin boss doesnt even come in for 6 am! it blows! i am so tired! i have to work in the morning and i am stuck here in the garage with my fiance beacuse if i leave he wont have a ride home and hes not planning on leaving anytime soon! i dont know what to do! i just want to go to bed becaues i need sleepso i can get up at 530 to go to work tomorrow again! i am soo sooo soo soooo tired! all i want is my bed! my eyes hurt...and they wont stop watering......i feel like ass! i will feel even more like ass tomorrow too.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ugh!

that the majority of the people who live in new england are rude! we lived in OKC and NC for the past yr and just moved back to MA in March and i have noticed that people in MA are just alot more rude and inconsiderate! i dont know why that is! people are just so much more friendly and respectful down south! i really miss that about living there! everyone here is always in a hurry to go nowhere and is always impatient and need to do things super fast! down south things are just so much more laid back and calm! i do have to say that in the south people def. dont really follow through with alot of things...like if an employer you went on an interview with says they will call you..chances are they probably wont! and that you need to be on top of them....that is really the only difference! but it just seems that everyone up here just is miserable or they need to be constantly rushing around and doing stuff.......it makes life alot more stressful! i mean dont me wrong i can be very impatient at times....but geesh! smile people! its not that bad!

well ladies and gentleman! thank god i have to work today! because i hate my house and i think i am seriously getting down to the decision that i dont want to live here anymore and i just might not! i am tired of living this way and its either we get our own place....oooorrr i may just move back home and be on my own...because i am just about sick and tired of being sick and tired.!!!!!

i dont ask for much.....i dont really do anything for myself. i mean there are girls out there who blow all there money on getting thier hair done and nails done and buying all kinds of new clothes for themselves! i mean yes i would love to do that! i really would! i mean i cant remember the last time i got my nails done.....i had a hair cut in march and could desperatly use another one...and im gonna be honest....i cant even afford to go and have my eyebrows done and they need it more than you would ever know! and ya know i buy myself new clothes once in a blue moon and its usually from a consignment shop or something that was marked down on clearence beacuse i feel bad when i dont buy something on sale! i mean i use all of my money to put gas in my car and pay bills or part of bills because i just have been going through a rough time with money! and yes i have borrowed alot from my parents and i hate it! its embarrassing and i am very ashamed of it......i am 22 years old i should be able to take care of myself...and i hate to admit that i cant! i hate the fact that i cant support myself! but im trying! i want to....i wish i had that kind of security but i dont! and i never once ask for anything for myself...money to doanything for myself! i did once this summer! i asked my parents for money to go on vacation with my girlfriends and they said yes because they felt i could have used it! but you know what i did instead....i said no...thats irresponisble of me and i shouldnt be using money to go on vacation when i could be using it to pay my bills....and so instead ofborrowing money to go on vacation that i so wanted to go on and needed i borrowed it to pay my bills....and let me tell ya im still behind! i mean i know this sounds so selfish and like im being a brat....and i hate to be selfish.....but just once....just once i asked for soemthing for me...so i could actually do something i want and i cant! and i got said no too. i mean i know that sounds so selfish but just once......once i would liek someone to say ya know she really deserves that or she really deserves to do something for herself.....but they dont! noone ever does.....because everyone else always gets what they want....they always can get what they want....i even took on a second job last night just so i could make extra money to pay my bills and to make ends meet! i dont knwo what else to do! i dont knwo what else to do to prove to people that i am trying and that just once id like something good to happen to me! something that i want.........i didnt mean to screw up things this bad....i didnt mean to scew up my life......but i did and im sory and i am trying to change it but it really hurts....

completely sux! i have no excitment! there is nothing fun about it! i am 22 years old and in a relationship that is boring as fuck! my fiance doenst want to do anything ever anymore! and when he does its usuallywithout me or he doesnt want to include me in it! if he doesnt want to do it we dont...if he wants to and i dont its to bad we do it anyways! i cant stand it! its a gorgeous sat. morning and i have it off because next weekend i have to work and the day ws totally wasted! i hate it! i HATE MY LIFE! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT! I DONT KNWO WHY I HAVENT LEFT! DONT ASK! I WANT TO ENJOY LIFE! SEE WHAT IS OUT THERE! GO DO THINGS EXPERIENCE THINGS! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



I JUST WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE PISSES ME OFF TO NO END AND I HATE IT!

ok so i am very aggravated today! i dont really know why! its just one of those days that everything and everyone is getting on my last nerve and i cant stand it! whenever i want to do something....we never get to do it! if i wanna go out we dont....if i dont want to go out...we do! i dont know i am just very f**king aggravated and i want to hit something! im not really sure what the root of the aggravation is! i think its just one of those days that eventually after everything that u bottle up and keep inside that frustrates u little by little just builds and builds and finally you just have a day that u want to say f**k you....f**k this,....f**k everything...i dont give a f**k about anything any f**king more! so yeah i had a s**tty day! although i was completely fine at work! my fiance is the one who really pushes my buttons more and more....because i dont know he seems to be the one that aggravates me most! like the fact taht when he gets out early from work and comes home and then goes out on the jetski doesnt bring his phone in case i call..but if i did that itd be well why didnt u bring ur phone,....or if i dont answer his calls right away...its....oh its about time u answered! but him its ok he can not answer to or three times and its like well i was busy to bad...i dont know that s**t jsut pisses me off! i dont know it would just be nice to be able to talk to my fiance when i want to or have to...and not my sister in law to find out whats going on1 i am having a shitty day....i want to talk to him...i want to hear his voice! i dont want to talk to anyone else i want to talk to him! when i am in this mood...i tearn into a total and utter brat and i know this....i want what i want..when i want it and how i want it and if i dont get it...ohhh boy its gonna get fuckin ugly! not to mention i am horny as fuck and very sexually frustrated! i get sex once maybe twice a week! i am more of a 2-3 times a week person! anways thats a totally different story! ok so honestly i would just like to hit him right now but its funny! bceause i want him to be the one who comforts me and is the one who makes it better...but yet hes the one whos aggravating me! does that make any sense at all? i mean its like the one person who i want to make it better is the one who is doing the aggravating! i dont know! all i know is id like to go out tonight have a good time,...but nope he wants to go out to eat,...come home and go to sleep! sorry but its friday f**king night and i dont want to do that! i want to go out and have a good f**king time! i am 22 years old! i dont want to live like im f**king 40!!! i want to party...something anything! ugh i hate this! all he ever wants to do is sleep! but when he does want to acutally go out and have fun he wants to do it with the guys and not me or go out and leave me behind and tell me im not allowed to go with him! what the f**k ever! i mean dont get me wrong! we do alot of s**t together and i love him...but today for some odd reason hes pissing me off and im ready to explode! it took me an hour to get home from work and let me tell u..i had the radio full blast with every song i could thing of to put into my cd player to get out my frustrations! it helped slightly! but im still pissy! u know whats even funnier! im not even pmsy at all! like its nowhere near that time for me! i hate feeling this way...i hate being this way,....and i hate acting this way towards the one i love! i dont know! i could go on rambling but i am just going to keep repeating myself and i dont realy want to do that! so im gonna go and be grumpy!!!!


Later on!

So this saturday should very very interesting.......
my fiance is going to six flags and said that i cant go! i mean we have been talking all summer about going and his friend called him up and asked him if he wanted to go to six flags and he said yes and when i said o cool that will be fun...hes like yeah but ur not going...imlike why hes like i jsut want to go with my friends i dont want u to go! so i get to sit home while he goes to sixflags and has a godo time! imean hes asking everyone to go and im like dude why cant i go? and hes like beacuse you cant.....it hurts so bad he does not want me there! i mean it really hurts! i mean we have been talking abotu going since before summer started and now he gets to go and i cant go because he says i cant! i dont know it just really sux that he goes out and does all this great and fun stuff without me beause he doesnt want me around! i would think most guys would like to take there fiance's with them to something like that...but nope not mine! he likes tohurt me and leave me at home while he goes and has a great time without me! maybe when he comes home saturday....i wont be here!!! what a shock that would be for him!



so i thought id update this blog a little bit....i know i just posted it but i had to add this.....so i went and brought my fiance to work...and i told him...he needs to call two of the guys he invited that he said he would get discount tickets for,...now the discount tickets are from my mom..she gets them at her work really cheap! now my mom lives an hour and half away so who would have to go and get the tickets....me! well i told him..i said well you call them and find out how many you need....and if you decide to be nice enough to actually let me go...i will go and get the tickets for you.....whats his response well thats gay...im like whats gay hunnie? hes like the only way you'll go get the tickets is if your gonna get to go...and im like yeah why should i have to go all the way down to my moms to get tickets for you and your friends when im not even going! so if you want me to go ill go and get you tickets if not...then you'll have to either get them online or at the gate for full price! so you let me know!! i asked him if he was mad at me and he was like no why would i be? and im like i dunno just checking....but in all reality he was! i know he was...because he has a habbit of not telling me how he feels sometimes...and i could tell that aggravated him! o well! you wanna hurt me well i can hurt you too! i mean seriously....he didnt think twice about telling me i couldnt go and could care less of how it made me feel...so why in the hell should i go and get him discount tickets from my mom and have to drive an hour and half so him and his friends can have a good time while i get to sit at home and be bored or try and find something else to do...no i dont think so! so why should i care about how he feels that i wont get him tickets!!!! hehe yup! but in the end you know he'll turn it around on me to try and make me look bad in the end..but i dont even care!

my life is always in an uproar! there is always something happening and always something going on! i dont know what to do sometimes! we'll for starters all of my bills are behind and late! so that royally blows! i dont have the money to pay them....but i do have two job interviews on monday..so thats actually a plus! but now we have to find another place to live because my fiances sister got a foreclosure notice on her house! i mean i hate to say it i mean dont get me wrong i feel bad for them and it completely sucks that that happened to them and i feel super bad but in a way i am kind of glad it happened!!!! i knwo that sounds awful...but i cant stand living here most of the time.....her kids are brats to the max and we are always getting blamed for shit and we just cant do anything without getting bitched at...there is never anything to eat even when we give them money for groceries.......i just cant stand living here and im glad that we are being forced to look for something of our own because ill tell u one thing i hate it here!!!!!


but the real thing that gets me is my fiance....now i have written about him before and alot of people who read that blog probably think...well im sure they think....that im pretty stupid for staying with him.....and part of me thinks that too.....but its such a hard situation.......i mean he talk with me about making plans for our life and future and is always telling me how much he loves me and he treats me good except for the fact of him talking to other girls.....now heres the thing i dont mind him talking to girls that hes been friends with for along time! i mean hey i have guy friends that i talk to alot! thats not the issue...the issue is that when these girls ask if we are together hes either says no or well i wouldnt exactly say that...we are sorta together but she is staying at her moms....well why are u making plans with me and taking me out and all of that and everyone can see we are together when we go out...but when u talk to certain other people u tell them otherwise! i mean awhile back when we had our problems i threatened to leave and he freaked.....he didnt want me to go anywhere.....so we talked and talked and talked these things to death and he stopped for awhile...things were getting better but today i found a convo he had while i was in the shower with his ex....who by the way is one of the uglies people ive ever seen......about how we are sorta still together and he isnt getting an apartment with me and that he said he wanted to have sex with her!! its so confusing...i mean he has no clue that i know about any of the conversations hes had with any of the girls hes talked to and trust me ive saved everyone single one of them i find to have the evidence to back it up in case i ever need to......buti dontknow! my life is strange...i love him mor ethan anything and i love our relationship....and our life and living with him....and i love loving him...i just dotn knwo what to do anymore.....im so confused......

ok so i am watching tv in bed like i do every morning for awhile! its my me time! anyways! so im flicking throught the channels and come to VH1 and there is a gwen stefani video on...her 4am video! and now ive loved gwen for a long time.....shes been around a long time now...and well i mean she is seriously gorgeous! i mean just naturally gorgeous! beacuse even without make-up she look so freakin good! she has a killer body and is just really pretty! i hate it! i mean she looks good in anything and with any hair color! i mean she dyed her hair pink and it looked freakin amazing! and i hate that she can have the bleach blonde hair and wear that bright red lipstick! i so wish i could pull that look off! i mean i tried to go blonde! it just wasnt me! i mean it just didnt look good! and i dont know i mean i was blonde when i was kid but it turned brown when i was like in middle school! and dont get me wrong i love being a brunette! i jsut wish i was the type of person who could change their look liek Gwen does and just know she is gonna look killer! i mean there are some people out there that say i can wear anything...but in reality the answer is ...most def. not. i mean that girl could wear a burlap sack and still look freakin amazing!!! so thats is my conclusion about gwen.....


now i know this was kind of a silly blog...but hey it was on my mind and i thought id share so ,....im done now!!!

Later on!

so yesterday was freakin awesome! we went down to Seekonk Speedways in Seekonk,Ma. My fiance raced his mustang in the spectator drags!! he did freakin awesome! he won his first race but for some reason...he always spins out on turn 4 on the second race! anyways he did amazing and he put on a great show! the crowd was going freakin nuts! hes been racing since he was six so he always knows how to get the crowd goin i guess!!!! so every major holiday in the summer....memorial day, the 4th and labor day they put on a show at the track! they have spectator drags, enduros, enduro drags, figure 8 and a demo!!! its an awesome day....and last night since it was the 4th they had fireworks! we had a blast! it was a good time...but then again it always is! we go to every one they have and it gets better and better every time! hopefully by the next one we can find a free car so he can do the enduros and th demo! heck yes! he came in second in the enduro last year....we just havent been able to find a car for this year! anyways! it was a great day and if anyone is ever looking to do something different on one of those holida weekends....try goin to skeekonk!

today was a wierd day! it started off kinda bad! but then it got a little better! me and my sister in law went down to the library cuz they were having a sale where they sell books and toys and movies and stuff! well we got a huge bag of books...probably about 25 books for 4 dollars! we split it 2 dollars a piece! it was pretty cool! that was def.a good part of my day....almost done reading one of them now! hehehe! im reading brokeback mountain! saw the movie loved it and when they had the book for sale i had to read it! im almost done with it too! i suggest everyone read it! i know its a girly type book/movie but whatever...its still good! anyways! so at like 130 our brother in law and my fiance decided to get a ne battery for the jetski....and we went out on the jetski! it was awesome! me and my fiance have never gone jetskiing! we always rode 4-wheelers...never a jetski though! it was awesome we had a blast! it was def. an adrenaline rush! it was cool! the day was def. a bit odd....some of it bad some of it good! but hey.....i was glad we got to try something new!!!!


until next time.....

you know what i dont understand? and i probably should because i am one but i dont understand girls!!! i mean i understand why we do some of the things we do and that most girls generally want the same things in a guy or from a guy but i dont understand why we do some of the mean things we do. i mean girls are super mean to each other.....we can be vicious actually! why do girls do those things? i mean dont get me wrong when i was younger i had a couple moments of being kind of mean but i was never really caddy like that! i dont know....maybe other girls saw me that way but i really never did a whole lot of being mean to other girls because i could! i think some girls seriously just dont have anything better to do with their time than just go around and find trouble to brew! i dont know!

you know what else i noticed about these girls? especially on myspace...in their about me sections that are like....i dont like drama and dont bring it around me.....well 99% of the time they are the ones who start and cause all the drama to begin with! its odd! we are girls.....we are all going through the same things....why do we have to be mean to each other...shouldnt we be there for each other and just get along and try to understand each other! i dont know i try to always be open and not judge different girls before i get to know them...but it seems that once i really get to know them its the same thing...all the meaness comes out! i dont know i am just nice to everyone i meet..unless you do something to hurt me or are mean to me or rude or anything like that i am a very nice person! i mean yes i do have my bitch side that comes out and i can be mean too..but not just for the sake of being mean! i dont know! i just think its wierd that i am a girl and i dont really understand us! its wierd...if we can even understand each other? how are guys ever going to be able to understand us! hehehe! i dont know it was just a thought i had!

hey all! so once again yes i am bored and its only 8:00 in the morning!!!!!! so the house is going to be SUPER quiet all day today! my sister-in-law and our nieces and the neighbors are all hoppin in the car and making the long trek down the cape to go to the beach! now i was invited to go but they are taking one car! now i dontknow about you...but spending two hours in the car with 5 kids between the ages of 5-10 and then spending allll day at the beach and then driving two hours back doesnt sound too wonderful! i mean dont get me wrong i love kids and i love our nieces but i am def. not one who wants to spend that much time doing that! it just doesnt sound all tha fun to me! beisdes how are theya ll going to fit! 5 kids and two adults plus all the chairs, bags, toys and food for the beach? where the hell would i fit????? i dunno so i think i will just sit home and suffer being bored!!!! hehehe!


so anyways! in my last blog i talked about how i dont have a job! well i went on an interview yesterday....well sort of! a staffing agency called me and said theythink they have a position open that i would be good for! so i went down yesterday filled out the app for the agency and then talked with the lady a bit! she said she would send my resume to the company and hopefully they will like me and want to interview me themselves!!!! so im keeping my fingers crossed! it would be an awesome job! Customer service/office work at a real estate agency! i think i would be good at it! i dunno! we'll see i guess!!!

so anyways other than that i am bored out of my skull and i really dont have anything that i need to do and im trying to rack my braind and think of something that i can do today! ok so im done blabbing for now! maybe ill write again later!!!!

so i am totally bored out of my mind! just another monday and its super hot out! just chillen in my room with the fan goin watching some tv! i wish that i could find a job! ive been having trouble finding a job! but hopefully something will come up soon and i can start being busy again!

school is def. hard this semester! the class i am taking is a business math class and let me tell you my professor is a bit odd and def. the one of the hardest graders! so i have to work extra hard at this class to get at least a decent grade!

soo me and my other half are def. alot better than we were! and my dad that i was mad about actually ended up being a WONDERFUL night! i tend to get mad or emotional a bit to quickly! he really did make up for being 20 min. late! i mean he really did! we are really trying to work on things and i really think hes being sincere about it! but i dont know i mean we are just taking it one day at a time!

well i guess thats all i have for now!

Hello,
so i am new to this site! i have never joined a blog site before! the only blogs i write are on my myspace page! i never really knew about blogging until i joined myspace....and i actually find it really helps! i mainly blog alot when i am upset or angry and have something to say! sometimes i do it when i get bored....like now and sometimes i do it when somethng good or exciting is going on in my life! so thats my blogging life.....


so as for why i started this blog! well i dont want to blog on myspace sometimes because well...i dont want certain people reading it.....so i decided to start this up! thought id be a good way to vent wihtout having to worry about uneccessary drama going on! im to old for drama! anyways! so yeah! i am a bit miffed right now because my fiance.....is being a compelete jerk! we have been havign a lot of problems and tonight was suppose to be special! about me and him and us working things out and really gettingthe chance to sit down and talk and have a ncie date night since we havent really had one in the longest time! i mean and hes not proving to me anything right now that he wants to change! beacuse well if he really wanted to work things out hed be trying to make tonight specail! really trying to prove that he ready to change and really make this all worth it! but right now...hes really pushing me away! UGH! why do i love him so much?????


iguess ill never know!